Why do I want something I know I cannot have? That is how I've always seemed to work. I never want what's available, it's always what I can't have. I know I can't have it, and so I crave it even more.
I want P4. His name is Kirt.
I may know partly the psychology for my dangerous and forbidden craving. My life has never been stable (as I'm sure most of you have gathered). That started with my parents divorcing at such an early age. Ever since then, my life, my family, everything, has been all over the place. So, I know that I seek stability. Well, where do I see stability? I see it in a married man. And because I want that stability, I want that man. I can't have it, and so it's like I crave it even more. Almost as if it's a game. A dangerous, pointless game.
But here's the twist that I don't understand. I don't want Kirt for more than a sexual fling. I don't want to be with him. I don't want to "fall in love" with him, him "fall in love" with me, him divorce his wife and marry me and live happily ever after. No. Absolutely not. All I want is to have sex with him and move on. That part doesn't really make sense to my stability theory, does it?
Sometimes I seriously scare myself. Having these thoughts and cravings is just so wrong. I know I talk about this topic a lot on here (not so much to people I know, which is why I dump it on here), but this has been what's in my head. I've been trying in my own way to work it out to where that craving dissolves, but nothing I've been doing works. I try to distract myself with activities. I try to look at other, single, available men. I call up my booty call and try to distract myself with a different guy. It doesn't work. So then I try not to think about men at all, and that's pointless because I'm a man addict.
When I don't see him for awhile, I do ok. I still think about him, I just don't see him. With my days off, and his days off, I go about 4 days without seeing him. Which is good. But then the second I see him again...
And we're not even on the same crew. I only see him when I'm leaving work and he's coming in. What the hell am I going to do in October when we're on the same crew? What the hell did I do when he was my FTO? Think Think Think...
This is ridiciulous. I know it is but at the same time, I can't stop it. I want him. I've even had dreams about us hooking up. I'm talking vivid dreams. There are so many guys out there, and trust me, I know this. But I want Kirt. I'll want Kirt until I get what I want from him, and then I'll cut him loose.
What's wrong with me?
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3 comments:
As much as you want this guy, you are gonna have to keep it to yourself till your crush passes. Do not jeopardize your job or his marriage for a one night, "get it out of my system" fling. It's not worth it. And the last thing you need is to gain a bad reputation w/ the others.
When I was your age, I was the same way. At Channel 56, I had crushes on guys w/ wives or girlfriends. They were all older than me, I was the youngest one at the station and they all thought I was so cute. I had a brief fling (we didn't go all the way but we messed around) w/ a guy who had a g/f, and word got around the station that the "new girl" was a slut. It was not a good situation for me. Then I find out that the g/f was 7 mos. pregnant w/ their second child. I felt like a real jerk.
you're right jojo. i've never had this issue before and i've been trying to let it just pass, but it's like the longer i wait, the more it becomes prominent. i haven't told anybody (well, phil knows about it) and i don't plan to. mainly because i wouldn't want that getting back to kirt. or around the station.
im trying, its just hard and i feel like no matter how hard i try, the feeling just won't go away. :(
Try thinking about his wife and how she's feel if her husband had sex with you. I've been there and that sort of betrayal is brutal. She would never trust him again (if their marriage survived). You don't want to do that to anyone. It would be mean and I know you're not like that.
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