Wow.

Tonight was one hell of a night. I had a huge case last night. It was huge because it was all on me. Here's what happened. I get dispatched out to the highway to back another agency on a possible DUI crash. Well, it turns out the crash happened in our city, therefore it's our jurisdiction, therefore my agency takes the report. Or rather, rookie takes the entire report. So, I end up arresting the guy for DUI (drug impaired, not alcohol, which is a whole different ballpark). It sounds so simple, but all of that requires 3 separate reports. A crash report, incident report and an arrest report.

I get to the station today and that's all I do. I worked on the report for hours. What took so long was the detail stuff. My FTO is very particular on how I write my reports. I pretty much expect him to kick back my report when I finished with it. Well, he did that tonight and it took me hours to finish it. My FTO isn't very happy about this and I got a bad score. I made this case more complicated then it should've been and I need to improve on my reports. My FTO has very high standards, which is good, it's just hard for me. So, my "homework" this weekend is to pretend as though I get dispatched out to my own apartment for a disturbance and I'm supposed to write a very detail oriented narrative on what occurred. Basically, I'm gonna write this ficticious report, and my FTO is going to read it and is supposed to be able to picture what my apartment looks like from the inside. Also, I'm supposed to watch COPS (heaven forbid, that show is so inaccurate) and during each commercial, I'm supposed to write an officer's narrative as if I were there. If the show comes back on and I'm still typing the report (which commercials are 5 minutes long, mind you), I've taken too long. Wish me luck.

Also, my FTO and I had a "big talk". At least big for me. My FTO is aware of my situation with Julia and he knows it's been tough on me. Well, I got a call from her mother today who was going to give me an update on how she was doing, but I missed her call. By the time I called her back it was too late and I'm assuming she went to bed. I'm very anxious to know what happened or is going to happen with her. Anyway, I know I will be in Lawrence for the weekend. On Saturday I'm supposed to go to the lake with my mom, sister, brother and friend (maybe), but depending on the update I get with Julia, that might be canceled. FTO told me to get rest this weekend, but that seems unlikely. We then started talking about my situatoin with Julia. He knows about the situation and I guess he picked up on the anger I have towards her fiance. He told me to be careful. That this is the only job where you never clock out. Everything you do outside of work is judged as though you're on duty and there's no other job out there that is like that. He then advised me not to talk to her fiance. I'm not going to. I can't, because I know I'll just blow up. Then he said the only person I can help change is her. I need to help change her. That's when I almost lost it. My eyes filled up with tears and I almost just bawled. I couldn't talk for a few minutes because I refuse to cry. Especially in front of him. But he knew I was going to cry. It was obvious and he knew.

So, we go out driving after that and we're talking. I'm embarassed that I almost cried in front of him and I pretty much talk myself in a hole. Just about how I really didn't want him to tell anybody about my near tears, and how women have it harder in this business and crying is a sign of weakness. He said he thinks women are the only ones to think that way but I disagree. Then he started telling me about how people just have certain buttons that when you push them, that happens. I told him this is hard for me, because Julia has been the only true friend I've had in this area. I then went on to explain that I've ditched a lot of friends, especially when I moved out of state to get away from a lot of friends for doing bad things, and it was like she was the only one there for me. He then asked why I ditched so many friends and why I had to leave the state to do so. Pretty much asking what sort of things I was doing before working here. I told him I didn't do anything illegal, I just had bad friends. I then told him I didn't want him spreading what I was about to tell him to anybody else at work because this was my personal life. He said he wouldn't, so I explained to him about my life after high school. I graduated high school, already 18, and I hooked up with a guy who was 24. He treated me like crap. I started hanging out with friends who partied a lot, drank a lot, and I started drinking a lot and hooking up with guys. I told him about my ex boyfriend Paul, who I was with at one point during all that, and how we had a pregnancy scare. I told him about how Ashley and her family saw the path I was going down and asked me to move to Idaho. I told him how I became christian, wanted to become a cop, and moved back to Kansas. I told him how Julia was the only one truly there for me after I came back to Kansas. I told him how my ex boyfriend has contacted me since my graduation of the academy, and that he lives down the street from me now. How my ex boyfriend is in to drugs and even though I care for him, I just can't be with him. I've officially ditched him now. All those things.

I basically had diarreah of the mouth.

I don't know if I should regret telling him all that. He listened, nodded, watched me as I spoke. He didn't comment on any of it. He did ask if I said I still cared for my ex. I clarified and said I use to really care about him. That's it. He just looked at me for a few moments after we pulled into the station and parked the car. I can't explain his look. He always gives me "his" look. It's this look where you cant determine what they're thinking (commonly called the cop stare), and he gives that look a lot. He asked me if I felt better (referring to venting to him) and I said I did. He said good and we got out of the car. As we were getting out of the car I paused and said maybe I shouldn't have told him all that. He said not to worry about it. That was it. No advice, no comment, nothing. So it's like, I don't even know what to think about all that... We went back into report writing and he joked around and whatever again.

I don't know. I feel embarassed. I've never done that to any of my other FTO's....venting like that. And not knowing his opinion makes me feel awkward almost. As though I just did something stupid in venting to him. I mean, he always has something to say about what I tell him... And now that he didn't say anything.... I'm worried he might go tell someone.

I can't even described how pissed off I would be if I found out he told someone all that. Cops lie. He may have said to me initially that he wouldn't tell anybody, but that doesn't mean he won't. So, now I'm worried. *SIGH*

I just need to go to bed.

X moralizedxcriminal X