I'm not even worried about what FTO thinks anymore. I don't even care if he spreads my past to people. It doesn't make a difference in the way that I perform my job. It doesn't make a difference what happened in the past. Like I've been told, it doesn't matter what happened, it matters what's happening.
And my life just won't get easier.
I found out from Julia's mom that Julia got released from the hospital on Thursday. Yeah. Thursday. It is now Saturday and now I'm told? I'm also told she went right back to the asshole. I was so furious I was shaking while getting dressed this morning. So, what did I do today? I packed my dog in my car (I can never seem to leave him at home) and drove to Lawrence. Luckily the drive to Lawrence is about 45 minutes and it gave me time to cool off. Only a little.
I got to Lawrence and found her house. The door was open when I walked up to it and I look in to see her eating food with her nasty ass fucking asshole of a boyfriend. Excuse the language, I'm quite emotional right now. Anyway, she sees me and I ask her if I could talk to her outside. She doesn't seem surprised to see. Happy to see me. Nothing. I could barely convince her to come outside. I asked to speak with her alone but she wanted me to speak with her with the asshole. I told her I couldn't do that. Why? Because I couldn't talk with him there. I would blow up and do something that would cost me my job. So, she had to "ask" permission to come out. She didn't do it verbally, but she gave him a look as though she were asking, and he told her to go ahead. She's now become dependent and it's sick. But I couldn't stand seeing it.
So, finally I get her outside. She wants to take a walk and it's raining. I asked if she'd like to come in my car and take a drive, but she refused, talking nonsense. I think she's on drugs, still. She then started going off on me, talking nonsense, again. About how I don't understand her and how her body is freaking out and she just wasn't making any sense. It pissed me off to see her like that and know her "fiance" isn't doing shit to help her. Well, he hates me, and whatever he told Julia got her to hate me too. It was kind of like she was torn from hating me and me being her best friend. She just was fucked up. I told her because of the decisions she's making, I can no longer be her friend. That was the hardest thing I've done in my life.
I ended up saying this and she doesn't believe me. I left. I won't call. I won't visit. I can't, because of my position, I cannot be around druggies. I don't think being around her will help my mental stability either. But, at the same time, I don't care about me... I want to help her, but I can't. She just doesn't see. I told her about how the asshole has lied to me and her parents and how he never called to see if she was ok, and all she could do was make excuses. She denied being on drugs. I told her I knew she had a drug test and that it came back positive. She said nothing to that. Then she said her "crazyness" isn't from the drugs, that it's from PTSD for becoming famous in Lawrence. Bullshit. She started going off about how bad of a friend I am. Sounds just like what the asshole was saying to me earlier that week. She said I never visited her. Even though I spent $100 in gas last weekend traveling to and from Topeka. I can't handle this.
This hurts more than anything in the world, seeing the only best friend I have in this situation. And now she's not my friend anymore. I can't do it.
I'm really depressed. On top of everything else going on in my life, now I have this. I'm extremely depressed. Julia has been my best friend, the only person I can confide anything to, for 16 years. I've always promised to be there for her. Always. But how can I now? I can't lose my job. I told her I will not compromise my job for her bad decisions. She didn't get it, of course. She's still fucking insane.
Yeah. I'm depressed. Maybe I need to see someone now.
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3 comments:
I'm sorry that your friendship w/ Julia has to end...esp. this way... but you know deep down in your heart that you made the right decision. Of course it hurts - you are mourning the loss of a long term relationship and it's no different than the grief you feel if someone died. Just take it one day at a time and throw yourself into work, your painting, doggie, etc. and in time, the pain will be more bearable. And someday, you find that you are able to remember the good times, and that's when you know you are healing.
She can't be helped b/c she's not ready to be helped. She hasn't hit rock bottom. Till she is, you can't be there to watch the fall. She's a big girl and she's made poor decisions and she needs to learn this for herself. You need to let her go BECAUSE you love her. You tried, but there's nothing you can do right now. Not till she's out from under the spell of that abusive svengali. It may well kill her, but she's resisting help from all sides. As long as she thinks the asshole is the only one who cares about her & the only one who has her best interest in mind, she's doomed.
And none of it is your fault. You could have so easily made the same bad choices she made but you didn't. Maybe part of your anger is guilt based. But it is not your fault. We have the free will to take the right or wrong path.
There's nothing to say that you can't be her friend in the future if she cleans up her act, but you are at the beginning of your career and your life and the bottom line is that you have to look after yourself.
Friendships come and go. That's the sad fact. I've known children since we were babies, went to school together and grew up together. Our parents were best friends since the 1950's. When we were in our early 20's, we drifted so far apart that there's no hope of ever being friends.
But true friendships are the ones that do stand the test of time.
ahh, that sucks. he has some kind of hold on her. i'll be praying for you. it really hurts when we have to let people go.
Jojo is so right about this. Take care of yourself! I come from a long line of crazy people and alcoholics. There is nothing you can do, if they are bent on self destruction. I know it's hard, but you've got to protect yourself and move on. At the very least you know you've got your blogland friends who think of you, pray for you and send you positive energy. I hope this doesn't sound like metaphysical bullshit, because I really think it can help.
Hang in there.
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